dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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