i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
