I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
