i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
