chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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