so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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