Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
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Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"