i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
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tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
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He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.