Already got asked if we're dating
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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