Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
