did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
