I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it's like iHOP with fire
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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