Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
