Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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