I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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