please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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