i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
