Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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