I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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