We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
