I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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