In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
