Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
