I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
