Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
