she woke up with a sticky ear
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
