Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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