seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
