I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
