i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
zippers are such a cool invention
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
