I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So vagazzling was a success
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
