The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
