I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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