I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
