I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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