and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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