she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
