I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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