Umm I'm too high to move.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
