I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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