After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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