I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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