I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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