Your dad touched me again.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
