Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
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As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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