thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
