someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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