I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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