My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
