We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
There r osticjed everywhere
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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