Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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