just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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