Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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