ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
