I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
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He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
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Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.