so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
