I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
