My hair reeks of homosexuality.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
