i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
