The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
